September 3, 1999

Subject: Time for a laugh

Hello everyone

OK I've been real busy this week and could not complete yet preparation for the Y2K Updates (yes many!) I promised you. In the meantime here are some "laughing matters" I compiled to take it easy before the big tough news (yes big tough!)...

Enjoy

Jean Hudon Earth Rainbow Network Coordinator http://www.cybernaute.com/earthconcert2000

LAST MINUTE ADDITION - JUST IN!!

From: PLANETNEWS@aol.com
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 11:55:50 EDT
Subject: Art Bell-UFO'S-Hail-Thunder Lightening...whew ' what a night... ..

Mary D. ( 29again@aol.com ) sent to PLANETNEWS...thanks!

Mary wrote... IF YOU HEARD ART BELL LAST NIGHT YOU WOULD KNOW HE HAD TO USE A GENERATOR RUN ON PROPANE AS THE POWER WAS OFF THROUGH THE WHOLE VALLEY THERE AND AT THE SAME TIME THERE WERE MASSIVE OBJECTS FLYING IN THE SKY THAT TOOK ABOUT 1 TO 1 1/2 MINUTES FROM HORIZON TO HORIZON REPORTED BY MANY PEOPLE.....ONE A CLUSTER OF 7 AND ANOTHER HUGE OBJECT SPLIT INTO 3 PARTS AND BEHIND THEM WERE GLOWING GOLDEN FIERY STREAKS.....

THE AREAS WERE FROM ABOUT SALEM, OREGON ALL THE WAY DOWN THROUGH CALIFORNIA.....NOT SURE WHERE ELSE.....

ART SAID IT WAS A MAJOR EVENT.......ALSO HE SAID ONCE BEFORE WHEN THE POWER WAS OFF THERE WERE REPORTS OF OBJECTS IN THE SKY AT THE SAME TIME......

PEOPLE CALLED IN REPORTING WHAT THEY HAD SEEN ALSO...

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO OUR SCANNER AND ONE WOMAN WAS TELLING ABOUT THE STRANGE HAIL HERE (FORT COLLINS, CALORADO) AND SAID SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT FELL FROM THE SKY.....AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE THUNDER...SOUNDED LIKE BOMBS GOING OFF......I DON'T EVER REMEMBER THUNDER THAT LOUD EVER.....OUR POMERANIANS WERE JUST FRANTIC.

(our cats ran as fast as they could...tore up the stairs into the attic to hide...like it was the end of the world...couldn't get them to come out for quite awhile)...Nancie

THERE WILL PROBABLY BE MORE ON ART BELL COAST TO COAST TONIGHT....AROUND 11:00 OUR TIME.........

PEOPLE WITH GENERATORS WILL PROBABLY NOT REGRET HAVING THEM SINCE IT APPEARS THESE POWER OUTAGES MAY BE CAUSED ON PURPOSE......




OK - NOW THE JOKES... :-))

Do you ever get this feeling?

I was having an out of body experience one day so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and almost astral traveled anyway, but the phone rang. I sensed the negative vibrations so I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart and nearly had a primal, but my energy was too blocked, so I did some bioenergetics and self parenting, took some flower essence and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet so I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie too, but that made me hyper so I did the relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tapes, but I was feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology and past life regression, then rebirthed myself and called Moon Beam, the bodyworker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu, Reike, Rolfing, Feldenkreis, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue massage, but she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded, so to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother HeartLove around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho-calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain-wave synergy session, which made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dreamworkshop, so I'd be more clear for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian Jungian Freudian Ericksonian session at the hot springs but my aura was weak for my trance- channeling group so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras and I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my neural-linguistic programming session, but I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some cranio-sacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk, which was between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment, but after all that I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on, but that didn't work either, so I locked himself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and went to sleep so I could "get it" in the dream state.

-- Author unknown, or just too blissed to mention their name ...




A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered by what gender should computers be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clue less 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even you smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.




Phony Confucian Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.




DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS' CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES UNEDITED!)

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.




Answering Machine messages

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought - recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and then I'll think about calling you.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, after you hear the gunshot, please leave a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Please leave a message. But be advised that everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.




BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1997

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead




Stupid laws in California - most of them outdated (and still unrepealed) and others recent:

You may know it as, "The City of Angels," or even "LA," but the full name of the city of Los Angeles is, "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula.

Long Beach - Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Chico - Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Long Beach - It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Starting January 1 1995, it is illegal to possess bear gall bladders. Also, it is no longer permissible to trip horses for entertainment.

A law forbids a woman to drive a car while she is dressed in a house-coat.

Cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Removing your clothes in a bath house is against the law.

It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces".

Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Baldwin Park, it is unlawful to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere, City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Cupertino, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in hexadecimal.

Hollywood Boulevard, it is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down at one time.

Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time

Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

Ontario (California) City Council of passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

Pacific Grove, you can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly.

San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.

San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

Santa Ana, two or more persons may not congregate for the purpose of discussion on the sidewalks.

Santa Clara, it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron saint of television.

Santa Clara, bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories" anywhere in the county.

In Pacific Grove, City Ordinance #352 makes it a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly.

Compton, CA , Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited.

A housewife may go to prison if she doesn't cook her dusting cloth after use.

Arcadia - Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra - You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Blythe - You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame - It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel - Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (repealed)

Carmel - Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Downey - It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Lafayette - You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lompoc - It is illegal to possess, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

L.A. - It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

Pasadena - It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale - Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands - Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

Riverside - One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego - The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

San Francisco - Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

San Francisco - It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Santa Monica - You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula - Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. no matter what.





Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.




AND A COUPLE SHORT ONES:

Constipated people don't give a shit!!

Boldly going nowhere

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull




GENDER HUMOR

WOMEN'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK

Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he is in diapers.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too small to be let out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

A man's idea of a serious commitment is usually, "oh alright, I'll stay the night."




For the little new age baby in you

Hush little baby don't you squall Momma'sgonna buy you a crystal ball Andif you still can't see beyond Momma'sgonna buy you a magic wand Andif that wand don't change your fate Momma's gonna teach you to levitate Andif the astral makes you sick, Momma'sgonna buy you an incense stick Andif that patchouli smells rank Momma'sgonna buy you a sensory deprivation tank Andif that tank don't float your bones Momma'sgonna buy you some precious stones Andif those gems don't ease your heart Momma'sgonna buy you a natal chart Andif your planets go berserk Momma'sgonna buy you some bodywork Andif your aura still needs kneading Momma'sgonna buy you a past life reading Andif your destiny stays hid Momma'sgonna buy you a pyramid Andif your chakras still feel stressed Momma'sgonna take you on a vision quest Andif power animals don't come to charm ya Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.




Some moments of laughter from the children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.

These are especially funny to me - - this is a game I used to play with my stepson. . . .it was great fun for both of us. We used to laugh and laugh and I would be amazed at his common sense and wisdom.

Here is what the kids from the first grade class came up with:

Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
No news is.........................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust........................me.
The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.
Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.........................not much.
Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.
There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and......you have to blow your nose.




HEART installation

<3 ;;:*:;; <3 ;;:*:;; <3 ;;:*:;; <3 ;;:*:;; <3 ;;:*:;; <3 ;;:*:;; <3

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.

Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed.

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".

What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over My HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle It from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help




AND NOW HERE IS A CLASSIC ONE:

Swami Beyondananada's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a FUNdamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure reguhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.

4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you...He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "truth decay". Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga', remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me. That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a fault don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news: There is no key to the Universe.

The good news: It was never locked.

10. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels."

Taken from from http://members.aol.com/rpeyser where there is an interview with the funny Swami

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the same pharmacist looks the guy in the eye and asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

AND TO CONCLUDE ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE:

Date: Thu, 02 Sep 1999
From: grace <grace@senet.com.au>
Subject: east timor

Hi

The violence in East Timor has flared up again ... people are being killed as the Indonesians fear that the vote will grant people in East Timor their (deserved) freedom ... so please join me in continuing our prayers and meditations for peace in this region ... so the killing and suffering can stop ...

If you feel drawn to do so, I will be meditating daily at 10 am and 10 pm (Adelaide time +9:30)




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With Love Grace