April 1, 2000

Subject: SPECIAL RELEASE: ET landings imminent according to the BBC World Service

I knew it would happen soon!

From: "Karen Revell" <karenr@aa.net>
Subject: ET landings imminent according to BBC World Service
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000

This is from the website of Jonathan Cainer. The web address is http://stars.metawire.com/ He does a daily comment on various subjects. I thought this one may be of interest to some of you. He has also been talking about May 5th alignment. Jonathan writes for a newspaper in England as well as his website.

Karen Revell

Thought for the Day: Friday, 31st March 2000

PRESS RELEASE: STRICTLY UNDER EMBARGO TILL MIDNIGHT, MARCH 31, 2000... Two planets, each slightly smaller than Saturn, have just been discovered in distant sectors of the sky. The discoveries were made by Vogt, Marcy, and Paul Butler of the Carnegie Institution of Washington. One of the new planets was found orbiting 3.8 million miles from the star HD46375, 109 light-years away in the constellation Monoceros. The second, about 70 percent the mass of Saturn, was found orbiting 32.5 million miles (52 million km) around the star 79 Ceti, 117 light-years away in the constellation Cetus.

Both planets were officially announced via a news bulletin, earlier this week. What the scientists and astronomers have not made public though, is the correlation between these planets and a recent source of radio emissions, detected by the US government listening station in Menwith Hill, Yorkshire, England.

An e.mail from this location was accidentally intercepted, last week, by two reporters for the BBC World Service. This e.mail implies that, when decoded, the radio signals point to plans for a significant fly-past of interplanetary vessels during the early hours of Sunday.

The alien craft should be visible to anyone in a location over 1,000 ft above sea level on the North West horizon. Experts are currently trying to decipher coded signals in an attempt to establish whether the ships intend to land. On the basis of information so far received, it seems likely that the intended locations for arrival would be Boston USA, Calcutta (India) Malin Head (Ireland) and Wellington (New Zealand).

Diplomatic delegations from the United Nations have been despatched to all four places and told to await further instructions. Scientific advisors from NASA, meanwhile, are contemplating an announcement, warning subscribers to the mobile phone network about possible interference to (and from) the spaceships.

It is, apparently, possible to pick up transmissions between the ships on any ordinary mobile phone so long as it has a text messaging facility. The phone must merely be set to 'text' or 'message'. Then, the following digits must be dialled. 2, 7 and then, three times in quick succession; 7,4,5,3,6,6,5.


http://stars.metawire.com/

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YEP! THAT'S AN APRIL FOOL'S PRANK! :-)


Or perhaps not??...

(:-P


AND WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT, HERE ARE SOME JOKES.

Laugh well and be happy :-))

Jean


Announcements from the Sunday church bulletin:

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David,the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing
for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.




What a Salesman

One day, a young man goes to apply for a sales job at a major
department store. He tells the sales manager that he doesn't really
have any experience, but he is willing to try his hardest to learn.
The manager likes his attitude and decides to give the guy a chance.
At the close of business the next day, the sales manager decides to
stop in to see how the kid is doing on his first day.

He asks, "How many sales did you have today? "The salesman answers, "One."
"How come only one," asks the manager. "Most of my salesman have 20-30
per day! How much was the one sale you made?"The salesman answers, "$333,344.00"
"WHAT!?! What did you sell?"

"Well, a guy wanted a small fish hook, so I sold him a medium fish
hook, then I sold him a large fish hook. Then he needed a rod, so I
sold him a light action rod, then upgraded to a medium action rod,
and then changed it to a fully balanced combo. Then I told him he was
going to need a boat, so I took him to the boating department and sold
him a 14-foot motor boat, then upgraded him to a 20-foot cabin cruiser.
Then I told him that his Volkswagen wouldn't be able to tow the boat,
so I took him to the car department and sold him a sport utility vehicle."
"A guy came in for a fish hook and you managed to sell him all of
that?" asked the manager.

"No, he came in for a box of tampons, and I said 'Hey, your weekend
is shot anyway, why not do some fishing?'




Copied from the Northern Palm Beach Republican Club, Fed.

West Palm Beach, Florida / North Palm Beach, Florida

Ain't it the Truth!!

I have had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take - 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.... and I have buried all my friends,

BUT....THANK GOD I still have my Florida Driver's License!!




THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.




IF 90% OF THE FOLLOWING DON'T SOUND TERRIBLY FAMILIAR TO YOU, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NEW TO THE NET

From: "Juliet Easton" <juliet77@negia.net>
Subject: The "don't spam me anymore" letter
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 00:

Here is a generic letter I have written that would be great to
send to all those people who send us spam. (Yes, I just got fed
up!) Unfortunately, they all use fake e-mail addresses. Oh,
well.

Juliet Easton


No, I do not want to buy a legal cable descrambler "for
educational purposes".

And I do not want to buy net detective software to spy on my
neighbors.

Nor do I want to purchase the *new* millions CD with a million
people's email addresses so I too can clog up their email boxes
with spam.

And I do not want to pay you a lot of money to make sure my
websites are in the top 30 listings on every search engine for
all keywords.

I am really not interested in sending $5 to five or three people
or $1 to five people to one person and spamming a bunch of
people hoping that they will send money to me too!

And no, I don't want to pay you $30 or $50 or $90 to submit my
website to a bunch of Free For All link pages that no one ever
reads where my listing will disappear in 10 hours just so I can
receive 1000 e-mail messages from auto-responders trying to sell
me something.

And I am really not interesting in replying to your e-mail for
information on another "work at home opportunity".

I am also far too busy to be one of the "10 hardworking
individuals" that you want to work with on "the opportunity of a
lifetime" making $10,000 a month.

I am NEVER going to buy laser printer toner from a company that
constantly spams me from different ISPs with fake addresses and
asks me to call their e-mail removal and complaint line, but
never removes my e-mail address (even when I have called 5 times
and asked to be removed!)

While I am flattered to be selected by The Office of the
Managing Director for a free listing on The International
Executive Guild's Who's Who CD-ROM, I really would rather not
have my info on another CD so that more people can spam me.

No, I really don't want to put a "free" pager on my kids for
$9.95 per month.

I also do not want to pay you 21% interest, a $89 application
fee, and a $65 annual fee for a guaranteed acceptance credit
card.

And by the way, I really doubt that your fat absorber capsules
(as seen on TV) can help me lose 30 pounds in 30 days.

Oh, another thing, I already accept credit cards on my websites,
but thanks for being the 650th person informing me of the
benefits of accepting credit cards on the internet.

Author: Juliet Easton
http://ChildoftheLight.com
http://CleansingHerbs.com


NOTE FROM JEAN: The worst thing to do when spammed is to follow their remove instructions. By responding, you merely confirm that your email address is a valid one and so can be used ad nauseam. The only and simplest "solution" to these SPAMs clogging our email boxes, is our delete button.

And just for fun... this is the silliest SPAM claim I've ever received!

"Did you know that there's a way to lose 2 to 14 inches of
fat PERMANENTLY and SAFELY in only 1 HOUR?! . . .
100% Guaranteed!"


AND TO CONCLUDE, A NO-LAUGHING MATTER

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following.

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north & south (America)
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth;

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

Last minute addition: Again for those interested, I've posted today the Final feedbacks to the Peace Meditation Focus Group proposal at: http://www.cybernaute.com/earthconcert2000/FinalFeedbksFocus.htm







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